


Hurt

by Devious_Grayson



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Do not read of you're feeling depressed, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Hurt, I'm Serious, M/M, Other, Regrets, Rickyl Writers' Group, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 11:10:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11057730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devious_Grayson/pseuds/Devious_Grayson
Summary: I hurt myself todayTo see if I still feelI focus on the painThe only thing that's real- Hurt, by Johnny Cash"I have no business in a world where you’re not."





	Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, do not read this if you're feeling depressed. Writing helps me cope with depression in a cathartic way, which does not mean my pain should become yours. Please keep in mind this is only fiction, as sad as it is. 
> 
> Comments are welcome to help me improve my writing.

I don’t think I’ve slept today. If I did, I can’t remember. 

It’s been a week now, I think. I still don’t feel anything. Tell me Rick, is it normal? You seemed to feel a lot, when Lori went away. You felt so much I think you went mad for a moment. Can’t I scream and shatter and bleed like you did? Surely, this isn’t how I’m supposed to feel.

I hurt myself today. Didn’t intend to. Let me explain, so that I don’t imagine you scowling at me like I did it on purpose. It was a rookie mistake I hadn’t made in years, but hey, there’s a lot I haven’t done in a while. Trying to make myself useful instead of laying around like a useless lump of shit, I went to hunt. 

Didn’t expect the recoil, that’s all. Should’ve placed my hand a little lower, the bowstring wouldn’t have bit me. It’s a good dog that one, trying to shake me awake so it’s all the better if I could live another day. The pain helps, you know. 

I remember our journey and I wonder. Yeah, I know, it’s silly but telling you helps too. You kept me from doing so many mistakes, I would’ve died too many times without you. Also kept me from being a wild card nobody wanted around. Gave me friends, a family. 

I never understood why you had trusted me like that. Yeah, don’t look at me with those eyes you know I love. Of course I’ve disinfected the wound, I ain’t stupid. Not that you’ve ever told me that. You’re one of the few who really thought I wasn’t an idiot, even I don’t believe that. Don’t know if you knew. That I like your eyes, I mean. 

Seen the women, how they look at you. Some men, too, but who am I to judge? I was one of them, and I think you’ve noticed. You never said anything, though. Maybe you should have. Do you remember when Andrea shot me by accident? Damn, that hurt a lot too.

You can think I’m reckless, lying in the dirt like that. There are walkers, somewhere in there, I know. But I’m tired, Rick. Like I told you, though you must already know, it’s been a long time since I closed my eyes. Couldn’t even do that when I was crying. 

Could you believe that? A Dixon, tearing up like a fucking baby. Wasn’t pretty like when you do it, I don’t know how you manage to stay… you, when you cry. My face becomes red and convulsed, there’s snot and my damn voice breaks. Shit, I’m already ugly, don’t need that.

It’s your fault, though. 

To be honest, the dirt feels more comfortable than it looks. I’m on top of a pile of it, right now. I hope you see me, but I know you don’t. I would know if you did, remember? I always know when you look at me. Yes, even when you think you’re being smooth about it. It’s like cracking a match in the dark, no way I can ignore that. No way I can ignore you, even if I wanted to. Even if I want to.

How do you manage to call me on my bullshit, even when you’re not here? Of course a bowstring doesn’t do that kind of damage. You’re probably scowling at me, maybe yelling. I should probably get up, you’d tell me, move my ass (in my imagination you’d say it is pretty because I’m a sap like that) and get some food back at the camp.

You’d scold me on taking the bow with me. They’re gonna need it, if I want to waltz around please be your guest but at least ensure they’ll be okay. You don’t underestimate your son, but I still think he’ll manage. He’s strong, just and good, like you. 

I remember silly things right now. There’s that time you caught the dying sun on your skin and if I was feeling poetic I’d say you looked like a demigod from my ma’s tales. But I ain’t no poet so I just stared at your ass, I must admit. Maybe your hands, too. And that goddamn smile of yours, the one you hooked me up with in the first place.

I also remember how hurt you looked when I chose Merle over you. It wouldn’t have changed anything, but if I had to do it again I don’t think I would’ve taken the same decision. But my mistakes are mine, you don’t need to carry them. 

I guess now I’ll have to carry yours, too. Couldn’t blame you for nothing, even if I wanted to. God, if he listens, knows I want to. But I can’t.

What have I become? There’s a lot I should have told you, Rick. Advices I kept for myself that could’ve avoided too many deaths. Worthless stories, which you would have valued, because you’re like that. Maybe I should have told you everything. Best case scenario we would have been together right now, worse case, well. I think it’s the worse case possible already.

Maybe it’s the cold, maybe I also lied to you about my injuries. There’s nothing much I can feel anymore, to be honest. Blades don’t make my heart bleed more than it already did, and I’ve got no water anymore to cry more tears. There’s the hunger, but it’s too dull to matter. 

Colors don’t seem to exist in this new world, Rick. Wish I could see some blue again, but after yours even the sky is a boring gray. Even tried drugs, though I knew you’d disapprove. I didn’t feel any better.

I should have told you everything, and maybe we’d be together. Together here I would prefer, but together there with you is okay, too. As long as it’s with you, you fucking pain in my heart, even Hell is sweet. I kept it, you know? Couldn’t just throw it away, that’s how sentimental I can get I guess. It’s the only I’ve left. There’s something truly regrettable in not having pictures of you to gaze upon. I don’t think I would heal any better, but at least I could’ve tried to. 

I said I don’t feel anything. It was also a lie.

There’s the pain, but it’s so overwhelming it has become my normal. I’m casually hurting, these days. But, Rick, I’m also afraid. 

You know I’m not a believer. I know you ain’t either. What if this truly was the end?

What also frightens me is that, this morning, I could barely recall the sound of your voice. I remember your words, your last words even, but I can’t get the tone, the accent right. I don’t want to live in a world where I slowly forget you, Rick. 

You were the love of my life, and I feel stupid voicing it that way. I ain’t no chick-movie's last line. Never thought I would break my own heart on a wall I built myself, either. You were one of my mistakes. That last kiss should have been the first, for fuck’s sake. 

I would’ve laid the world at your fucking cowboy boots, killed thousands if it could mean you wouldn't have gotten hurt. In a way, I did, but not enough. Only you knew I was good guys, only you deserved my sacrifice. 

This fucking sacrifice I arrived too late to make. Couldn’t even kill you, again, properly. I'm sorry. The blade was too dull, or your head was too hard, I don't know. Maybe it was my arm that was too weak. Had to wait for you to turn, for your corpse, Rick, to try to take a bite of me. Wish you’d been alive for that, I would have let you have all the bites of me you wanted. 

We’re here now, so I can admit it. I can safely confess the sleepless nights I spent dreaming of you in my hand, and I think you also knew about that. Should’ve told you as soon as I suspected, we would have been happier. But I was a coward, and you had responsibilities. Maybe it’s for the best.

I’d let them bite, turn me and kill me and resurrect me only to turn me again, just for the chance to say it back. You were already gone when I finally understood your words. The metal under my chin is cold, the trigger white-hot, but it’s okay. I have no business in a world where you’re not.

If there’s a Heaven somewhere, a Hell or another life, I’ll take my chance to be able to say it back.

I love you too, Rick.


End file.
